Beach Needed for Half Devoured Mom

I've come to the conclusion that any mother who says she loves being a mom and couldn’t see herself doing anything else is flat out lying.  You may wonder how I managed to work this out.  Maybe I did a study?  Handed out questionnaires?  Visited the Dalai Lama?  Developed mind reading capabilities?  Well, while the last two options are included on my bucket list, none of them apply to my current enlightenment.  The fact is that as a mother myself I just KNOW those other women can’t be telling the truth. 

To be honest, it makes me feel more than a little guilty to admit that maybe, just maybe, sometimes I don’t like being a mom.  I mean, it has its good moments and I wouldn’t wish that I never had kids.  It’s just that after twelve plus years of being wholly responsible for two other human beings I’m tired.  Tired of cleaning up after them, reminding them, worrying about them, arguing with them, driving them, making decisions for them, cooking for them, cajoling them, keeping tabs on them, buying things for them, etc, etc, etc.  I mean, humans really got the short end of the stick raising their young.  No other creature in the animal kingdom has to put up with their offspring for 18 years!  Any momma bird with sense would leave the nest herself after a few months.  Maybe this is why some animals eat their young? 

Paradoxically, there are times I feel like I’m being eaten alive by my own brood.  Piece by piece, bit by bit, who I am is slowly being devoured by the ones I gave life to.  It starts innocuously enough with just a few nibbles out of the time you used to have to do the things you enjoyed.  But soon it develops into full blown cannibalism.  GULP!  Your name is gone and you become “so-and-so’s mom”.  CRUNCH!  Your time is devoured with your motherly tasks.  SLURP!  Your identity slips quietly down the gullets of your children.  One day you wake up half eaten and can’t remember who you are or what it was you once dreamed of doing.

So how do we moms stave off the feeding frenzy and retain our identity, not to mention our sanity?  I sure the hell wish I knew!  Sometimes it feels like a daily effort not to run screaming for the hills.  Summer time, and spending every waking minute with my children, tends to have this effect on me.  Where is that beach vacation when you really need it?

Fort Casper

The view that greeted me coming down the stairs

Remember those days when you were a kid making forts out of blankets, chairs, sheets, and whatever else you could find?  I remember making a lot of those in our basement with my brother when I was a kid.  I always loved hiding in them with books or a notebook so I could read or write in my own private place.

Today I've been nagging the kids to go outside and enjoy the nice weather.  It's 85 and beautiful! When I yelled downstairs earlier for them to "Get outside and play!" the reply that came back was "No!  We're not done with our fort!"  My first inclination was to be irritated that they told me no, so I gave them a ten minute time limit to finish and get their butts outside to play.  Well, an hour later, they were still not outside.  I ventured downstairs to see what the damage was, and was greeted by a wall of sheets.  I sneaked down with my camera and shot this picture of them in the darkness; all curled up in sleeping bags while playing video games together.

Dark, cozy kid cave

TV and game system included in cave

Now, while I'd prefer that they get outside and play, you have to admit that they are at least doing kid type things that require creativity and cooperation.  Although, as for the cooperation part, I suspect Anna was the project manager and builder all in one while Seth sat by and watched.

I  often feel guilty about letting my kids stay inside to watch TV and play video games.  I mean, when I was a kid, the TV was turned off most of the day (there wasn't anything on anyway), we didn't have game systems, and we survived just fine.

Now, as you can see from the picture, our basement is wired for sound complete with cable, Xbox 360 and unlimited movies through Netflix.  Wow, to be a kid nowadays!  I suppose a little harmless fort building and TV watching on a Saturday afternoon can't hurt the kids any, and at least they're not arguing, which is really saying something.  I guess I'll relent and let them stay in today.  Tomorrow, however, will be a different story...maybe.

Kindergarten Lessons

Anna in Kindergarten in TN with her teacher Mrs. Miller

What you see in the picture left is an amazing Kindergarten teacher with patience, caring and love enough for 20 + little five year olds, and a smitten five year old girl.  That girl is my daughter, Anna.  When we moved to Tennessee in December of 2003, it was the middle of Anna's kindergarten year. I was nervous, anxious and distressed that I had to do such a thing to my five year old daughter.  I mean, kindergarten students in their first year of public school should be left alone to grow and thrive with their new friends and experiences, not be shuttled half way across the country to start over with making friends, learning a new routine and trying to understand a teacher with a southern accent!  Amazingly, Anna settled in without difficulty.  Her teacher was, I think, mostly to credit for this.  You see, Kindergarten is a crucial year, and it's not even required in most states!  This is the year when anxious parents drop their babies off at a strange place (school) to meet their new part-time "mother" (the teacher) for seven full hours and put all faith in the abilities of these unknown people and places.  It's the foundation for the next 12 years of those children's schooling career.  It's an act of complete trust on the part of the parents... and I may soon be launched back into that trust circle, but as the teacher, not the parent.

I have been waiting, none too patiently I might add, for a call for an interview.  None came until a few days ago, and I have to admit that to my dismay I discovered it was a for a Kindergarten position.  Now, when you've been waiting months for a call for an interview, you don't turn anything down, even if it's your LEAST favorite grade.  After all, an interview does not automatically mean a job is to follow.  I taught Kindergarten 15 years ago; it was my first teaching position.  I'm not sure if it was because it was my first year of teaching or because it was Kindergarten, but that was a very hard year and one I did not want to repeat.  I've not taught Kindergarten since.  After recently spending a year and a half with high schoolers and thoroughly enjoying it, I had visions of being trapped in a small room all day playing with little kids who cry, tattle tale, speak like babies on occasion and may wet their pants.  I even posted my fears on Facebook, and soon regretted it.  After reading my own posts, I realized how horrible and unprofessional I sounded and deleted the post.  Here I am a teacher, charged with caring for children and teaching the future of our nation, and I'm really WHINING about how immature Kindergartners are??

I've spent time thinking since I realized my mistake, about what kind of teacher I am and what kind I want to be.  After surprisingly little thought, I know that I'm a teacher who wants to do her best by her students and their parents, even if (even because!) they are Kindergarten students.  Despite my momentary lapse of maturity, when it comes down to it, if I'm offered the position as a Kindergarten teacher, I will throw myself into it both for the students and for their parents.  I've been the parent dropping her child off at not one, but two new Kindergarten classrooms.  I know the uncertainty and the anxiety over how my child will be treated  by some unknown teacher.  I've been the Kindergarten teacher.  I remember the tears on the first day by both kids and parents alike, the video cameras and cameras (somewhere I'm recorded in a family's memories), and the excitement by those students to be "big" kids going to school.  It's a huge responsibility being the teacher of those children, and one I've decided I'm not willing to take lightly   I'll find out tomorrow or Monday if it will be my newest challenge.

The Cost Cutting Run Around

In an attempt to organize my finances and fix my budget, I spent all day on the phone with lenders and utility companies trying to find ways to cut down my bills. I even spoke with a debt consolidation non-profit to see what I could do to get rid of my credit card debt. I can't tell you how frustrating this process was. It almost seems like these places that take your money give you the run around on purpose when you call to cut costs (well, duh!). Virtually every call I made led to either another call, or the request to wait for a future date to do something. A call to my cable company even resulted in a $2 increase in my bill over last month even after getting rid of Showtime (they told me it's because last month's bill was only a partial bill).

It feels like I spent four hours spinning my wheels and made no progress toward reducing my bills. The debt consolidation people, however, were great. They spent a lot of time talking to me about how I could reduce my bills (which is what sent me on the calling frenzy to all my lenders and utility companies). They also prepared a budget for me that shows my current spending as well as what the typical national spending for a family of four is. Wow! I could not believe that my grocery bill should be one half what it currently is! How in the heck do people grocery shop for so little? On the plane when I flew back to Kansas there was a show about couponing. Those people are crazy! One woman spent nearly $900 on groceries and after her hundreds of coupons only spent $88!!!! There is no way I could be that dedicated to couponing. In fact, I've always held a bit of disdain for coupons because they really are just a marketing tool by big companies to get you to buy their products - and then be hooked. After all, $.50 off of the name brand cleaner is still more expensive than buying the off brand label, so why bother with the coupon? But my debt consolidation counselor told me that I should look into coupons and the stores' value programs.

I've always considered myself a good shopper; I usually buy the off brands unless it's something I trust in the name brand, I bring lists to the store and generally stick to them, I really don't buy frivolous things, I check the per unit cost. How the heck can I possibly cut so much from my grocery budget? Needless to say, since I'm unemployed for the near future, I will be looking for ways to cut my costs, and groceries, eating out and entertainment will be at the top of the list. Not that we really had any entertainment when I was working anyway...can you say "Netflix"?

Finally made it!

So, here we are, finally in Kansas! It was iffy for awhile whether we would really end up here. It was hardest for me as I had to stay in Colorado until Dec. 23 to finish the semester teaching. The family was in Kansas starting December 2. But, I arrived on our Kansas doorstep at 11pm on the 23rd and knocked on my new door saying "Merry Christmas!" when the door was opened. It was really a great Christmas and New Year in our new house back with the family.

Now, I'm trying to find the groove of being at home full time with no job. It's been an interesting change. Funny how when I'm working full time all I want to do is be home to work on me, but now that I'm home all the time, I'm bored with it. I've been working on my master's classes, organizing, cleaning, etc, etc, but it's been a hard adjustment. If only I could get motivated enough to take a shower every morning and get out of my jammies! And why the heck does the day go by so fast when I'm home! I swear it crawls by at work, but here, before I know it it's time to pick the kids up from school.

Without sounding too pessimistic, it has been a nice change. I'm glad I can work on my master's classes uninterrupted. I'm glad I can take the kids to school and pick them up everyday. I've been cooking more than ever and we have eaten at the table together nearly every night. I am trying to appreciate this break as I know that soon enough I'll have to find a job and go back to the real world.

Very soon, I hope to replace the banner photograph above with one that features our family. The kids are growing sooooo fast! Anna will be in high school in the fall and I'm starting to freak out a little about that idea. She is definitely showing her independence and we have been butting heads more and more. I'm trying to remember to be empathetic. It really wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager and I do still remember what it's like to be there. So, we are picking our way slowly through the maze of adolescence. Then I'll have Seth to deal with too...I hope I survive this!

Glass DEFINITELY half empty

For those who know me, I've always been a pessimist; a glass half-empty kinda gal. Trust me, it's not easy to live that way. As much as I would love to see the glass half full, right now it just seems to be emptying faster. I've tried to be patient with this whole process of moving. Honestly, I don't care that I'm moving. It's all the double backs, denials and rejections that we've had to put up with as part of it. We heard early last March that we would most likely be moving. Then we got preliminary orders. Then we drove to Kansas and found a house. Then our orders were rescinded. No more house. Okay, fine. I fill out an application for teaching jobs in Wichita - TWICE. No response. New orders issued in September...too bad we couldn't have gotten that house we put an offer on before. But that's ok, we can live on post in Wichita! Oh wait, Steve's new first sgt says Wichita is too far away from his new station. So, nix that idea. Now back to square one and trying to find a house. Phone calls for rentals - "Oh, you want to rent? Great! But you have to start renting on Nov 1." Huh? We won't even be there until Dec. 2. That's not my problem...

Rental pool in our new area is dismal. Property owners demand to know by the NEXT DAY if we want to rent the place or not. Do I want to rent a house with one bathroom when I have a teenager? How about a duplex that I can share a middle wall with another family? Forget it! Okay, well then you're back at square one. Look at houses to buy, BUT you can only make offers on the ones that are unoccupied, the VA will approve for a loan, and the current owners will allow an early possession since we'll be there in three weeks. OH, and it has to fit the budget! Do you choose the new home that's cheaper but needs $10,000 worth of basement finishing and yard fencing? That will be perfect when I don't have a job and we're living on one income! Or how about the older home that needs a new electrical box and just hit the market so the owners haven't felt the pain of holding on to a house for a year or more in a sour market. Did I mention we'll probably only be there for two years? Don't forget to pick the one that's got the better rental appeal because that's what we'll most likely have to do with it when we leave in two years, especially if the housing market is still broke.

What does it all add up to? A very tired, very frustrated, pessimist who is afraid that our most current offer on a house will be rejected and we'll be back at square one...three weeks from arrival in our new location. Maybe it's time for the sunny outlook approach. BOY, being renters in a duplex sure sounds like a good time! Go ahead and call me a pessimist, a perfectionist, and tell me beggers can't be choosy, but I'm tired of being yanked around by the Army, the housing market and the job market. It's time for the glass to start filling up.

Well, it's official!! After months of waffling back and forth about whether Steve would take over as station commander of a recruiting station in Hutchinson, KS, the Army has finally sent us orders to confirm this. In the process, we put an offer an a house in KS and had to get out of the contract because it seemed we wouldn't be moving after all. We also told our friends and the kids' schools we would be moving this summer. Now that we are still here, everyone keeps asking "I thought you were moving?" To be honest, I was to the point where I believed we might be in Durango indefinitely. But a few days ago, Steve received a report date of Dec. 10 at the Hutchinson, KS station.

So why is my picture of McConnell Air Force Base? Originally we wanted to buy a house in Kansas, but now we're uncertain how long Steve will be at this duty station. It may only be two years. If that's the case, it doesn't make sense to take on a mortgage. Soooo, we will be living on the Air Force base! It is located in Wichita, about a 45 minute commute to the town where Steve will be working. This will be the first time that we have lived on base and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. For one, it is an Air Force base, not an Army base. The different services view each other very differently, so the reception we will get as an Army family is uncertain. On the other hand, I think it will be great for the kids to go to schools where there are lots of other kids whose parents are in the military. Being in a big city will be nice for a change, and should make it easier for me to find a teaching job. And shopping on post will be convenient and cheap! I suppose my biggest concern is that, as an Army family, we won't "fit in" with the other families. Also, I'm not used to being surrounded by military people, activities, etc. I've always considered myself different than the typical Army wife because I have a career. Many Army wives have always stayed home and spend their days lunching with the other wives, coordinating Family Readiness Group meetings, or volunteering their time in other military activities. That has never been my thing, and I hope it doesn't prevent me from finding a niche for myself on base. Of course, not all military wives dedicate their lives to the service. I just need to find the "normal" ones who have jobs like me :)

The kids and I will finish out school here in Durango until Christmas break and then move to KS to be with Steve. Wish us luck for a smooth transition, and keep your fingers crossed that I can find a teaching job that starts in January!

The difficulties of being a writer mom

In an attempt to compose my next post for the TESOL blog that I'm guesting on right now, my daughter thought it fun to read over my shoulder and offer commentary. Finally, she booted me off the computer to type her thoughts (in the form of my own words). I found this just funny enough to share here:

"In my last post, I brought up the question of ELL funding. Senator Bennet’s comments not only spurred my thinking for that post, but it has brought another question to mind as well. That is the question of the makeup of our ELL population and how best to serve them. Over the last several years of teaching ELL students, I’ve often struggled with the definition of what makes an English language learner. Obviously we can qualify those first generation students who have just arrived to our country as ELLs. However, what about those students who are second or even third generation language learners? My daughter thinks that this is a complete waste of time. She thinks I have no life, which I probably don’t. Maybe I should just listen to her and learn the language of kids her age. Then I won’t act and look as old. I might actually have a shot at a life and have more than 100 friends on facebook. Overall, this is a really pointless and boring essay. Only losers with no life would ever read something like this. I speak the truth."

The italics is, of course, her words. It's hard enough actually writing without a 13 year old butting in. Now that I've finally gotten her to go to bed I've lost my momentum on ELL issues. Guess I'll have to try finishing that post tomorrow...before she gets up.

Toddlers to Tweens

I look at that picture of us at the top of my blog and marvel at how much the kids have grown...especially Anna! She is now nearly as tall as me. That was taken in 2008 right after we arrived in Colorado. How quickly kiddos grow up. Recently, I learned that what was good in toddlerhood, is apparently good as a teenager too.

The other day Anna had a friend stay over. They did the usual sequestering in the bedroom while talking and playing on Facebook. Soon, they were out of the bedroom dressed up in Anna's new clothes we just bought. They rummaged around in my closet and came out with my high heel shoes on! I later discovered they had also been into my jewelry. After that, they disappeared outside. The difference between toddler dress up and tween dress up? As toddlers we parents take pictures of how cute they look all dressed up. As tweens, they take pictures of themselves and post them on Facebook! For some reason, taking their pictures with all the vehicles we own (including the four wheeler) was fun. I guess they not only feel older dressing up, but they can pretend that they are old enough to drive (which is only a few years away).

I recently told someone this story and the person was aghast that I would let my daughter post such pics on FB. She insinuated that maybe the girls were trying to look older on FB for a reason. I'm really not worried about this. I am one of my daughter's friends on FB and often peruse her page to see what's up. I've never seen anything inappropriate posted there. While I'm sure my husband would prefer that Anna not dress like a "hoochie mama" as he calls it (shirts off the shoulder), I find all of this somewhat insightful. To me, it shows how a 13 year old is really like a three year old - they both are becoming more independent and are experimenting with how to be grown up. Playing dress up is one way to achieve this, no matter the age.

Welcome to Kansas!...or not

Awhile back I wrote about how we might be moving to Kansas this summer. Well, it looks like plans have changed (surprise, surprise!). You just never know what the Army will do, and that’s why I try not to get too attached when they tell us we’re moving. As it turns out, the Army is out of money to move anyone until October. It is being suggested that we will now move in January, which is of course the perfect time to move in the Rockies! Why January? It’s because that is Steve’s four year anniversary in Durango and recruiters aren’t allowed to stay in a brigade longer than four years. It should be very entertaining to see how the movers load all the stuff from our house into their truck with six feet of snow on the ground and no way to get down our driveway. While this move does seem a little more certain, I’m still not making any bets. Where we will move to is a whole other story. It won’t be Kansas, because that’s the same brigade we are in now. We’ve been offered Raleigh, Nashville, Great Falls, and possibly Seattle. The Carolina coast would be a nice move, so we’re leaning towards that, but one never knows…

I always think it’s funny to talk to people about our situation. First, when I told them we might move to Kansas, the unanimous reply was “Oh…how do you feel about that?” Now when I tell them we won’t be moving until January and we’re not sure where, the unanimous reply is “Oh…how do you feel about that?” So, my stock answer has become “It is what it is!” As an Army wife, you learn to roll with the punches and become like Switzerland…neutral! It doesn’t do any good to assign positive or negative value to new places, experiences or people until you’ve had the opportunity to really get to know them. I try to keep an open mind about anything the Army sends our way. That doesn’t mean that after a sufficient amount of time I don’t form my own opinions (sometimes negative) about these new experiences. There may be a barcode implanted in my neck by the government, but I am still human.

And yes, the kids are fine with it too! That is always the second question I get asked. They are happy to spend another six months with their friends, but a new house within driving distance of a beach doesn’t sound too bad either. They may be brainwashed little Army brats, but they are still kids.

Giving up the splendor of the prairies for the beach?

My Mother's Day Conundrum

What a great family I have! Anna made this bee flower vase for me and then cut some fresh spring flowers from our yard to fill it! She also made me the brownie cake below and added the "Happy Day" message with frosting. I got to blow out the candles and everything :) Seth made a card for me and included a pack of coupons for things like "good for one big hug", "good for one night of setting the table", and "good for one kiss" which he changed to 1,000,000,000 kisses :) Steve even went into town and bought me a top of the line blender which I've been wanting for some time now. Here we come smoothies, margaritas and daiquiris!

So what could the conundrum possibly be? I had visions of laying in bed all day, reading and napping on and off. The perfect day for a worn out mom! The problem was, as soon as Anna got out of bed she wanted to know what we were going to do for Mother's Day. Her suggestions ranged from going into town for ice cream and walking around the shops, to playing a game together. Oh boy. Neither of those things sounded like fun to me. In fact, I considered asking Steve to take the kids to the movie so that I could have the house to myself, but I thought that would be selfish. Instead, I laid in bed, read and napped for a couple hours, but felt obligated to get up and interact with the family after that. As I mentioned in a friend's blog this week, sleep is my guilty pleasure. I felt even more guilty napping today because it seemed like there was this expectation that we should go DO something for Mother's Day. Actually, I should be clear. that was Anna's expectation. Seth was perfectly happy to let me sleep so he could play video games, and Steve was happy with whatever I wanted to do.

So, I guess my question is, does it make me a bad mom to not want to spend time with my family on Mother's Day? I love my family dearly, but today I would have loved nothing more than to have a quiet house to myself with plenty of time for napping and reading without guilt. It is supposed to be MY day after all, but my daughter has a real knack for making me feel guilty that I'm not spending time with her. In the end, I tried to placate her by encouraging her to make brownies (because she loves to bake and it keeps her busy), and making her a smoothie with my new blender. However, I guiltily turned down her offers to play a game on the Wii together. It's just not my thing!

In the end, I feel like it was a good day. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty for wanting to be by myself rather than with my family. After all, everyone needs time to recharge. Whether you're a working mom, dad or devoted partner in a relationship, eventually we all need that time to be alone, decompress and find ourselves again. Hopefully one day my daughter will understand this. Don't get me wrong - she was very supportive of letting me do what I wanted, but I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn't going to go do something special with her. I love the fact that she wants to spend time with me; I just need to find that time for myself too.

Time for a change

You may have noticed that this blog page has changed a tiny bit. The banner below the title used to read "News and pictures from Steve, Heidi, Anna and Seth". What I realized is that no one checks this blog to find out that news. In fact, most people who want to know what's going on with us either email, call, or check Facebook. What I decided that I really need here is a place to share my thoughts; with myself or whoever else might be interested. Specifically, I want to focus on the challenges of not only being a wife and mom, but an Army wife and working mom. I decided to leave the title the same because for me it captures the idea that I am a person with an identity tied to my past, whose identity is now constantly challenged and has shifted in some sense with the various moves and places we have lived thanks to this Army life.

That being said, it sounds like I may soon be changing the title to "Oregon Girl in Kansas". Yep, it looks like we're moving again. Not that it should be any surprise; we've been here in Colorado for three whole years after all. Steve has now been invited to take over a larger recruiting station in Hutchinson, KS, the government wheels are in motion, and it appears that the OK will soon go through. How do I feel about this? Mostly excited but with some regret and nervousness. The regret is because I have found it takes about three years to really get settled in a place and start to feel like it is home. That is what is happening right now for me in Durango. I never really liked this place, but with my new teaching job, it has started to grow on me. I've made more friends, built more connections, and the roots have started to descend. Just in time to rip them out and replant! The nervousness has everything to do with my kids. I, myself, am not nervous to move. I love the idea of visiting new places, seeing new things, meeting new people, and having new adventures. My kids, however, are not as keen as me; understandably so. I had a hard enough time in school making friends and I was in the same place for most of my life. Fortunately, my kids make friends easily and seem to adjust quickly. But this still doesn't prevent a mom from being sad and nervous for her kids at the thought of leaving what is (sort of) familiar to them and having to start over.

Because of the news that we're probably moving in July, I've been going through the familiar dance of living in two places - one in my mind and one in the physical. I imagine what it will be like in our new place; the job, the schools, the house, the friends. At the same time, I walk around a bit like a zombie in my current place, trapped between here and there. I think this must be my defense mechanism; slowly detach myself from the current place by imagining the great stuff to come. Steve and I have already been looking at houses on line and there are a lot of affordable places in Kansas, unlike here in CO. We may even go out to KS one weekend soon to look at houses. This is just one more reason for me to daydream about what is to come. Hopefully, I don't get too caught up in these dreams!

To keep myself grounded, I'm posting pictures of a recent hike Steve and I took on the Colorado Trail. It was a pleasant Sunday when the kids were both at friends' houses and we had the whole morning to ourselves. The beauty in Colorado is unmatched, and I know I will miss it. I just hope that I'm able to find the joys of nature in the plains of Kansas.

Update to the quest

First, some pictures illustrating the reason for my quest...

So, I was encouraged to reply to the comments on my “Finding balance – the age old motherly quest” post, but have been reluctant because I don't feel like I've come any further in my understanding than the first time I posted. Of course it's great to hear that I'm not the only one going through this challenge - mother or not! On a conscious level I don't really believe that I'm the only parent out there trying to balance life, family, work, etc. But on a subconscious level it is somewhat reassuring to wallow in my own misery and pretend to be a martyr :)

After reading the two comments to this post, I did two things. I cleaned house and I made a list. While cleaning house made me feel better, it didn't really improve the situation. The list has been sitting on the counter since I made it a month ago and nothing is crossed off. In fact, I'm afraid to look at it because of the guilt I know I'll feel that nothing has been done. I thought more than once about mapping out my week, and almost tried to start one day. But I never got as far as pencil meeting paper and decided that it wasn't something I thought would be valuable, otherwise I would have already done it.

The idea of finding balance has been on my mind a lot, though. Every Friday I try to convince myself that this will be the weekend that I accomplish a super human amount of work: I'll catch up with my masters, clean the house, spend time with family, exercise and complete lesson plans for the whole week before Monday! Surprise, surprise, it never happens.

As I mentioned in the original post, I have realized that my teaching job takes up the majority of my time. Two weekends ago I spent the ENTIRE weekend mapping out what I plan to teach in my classes until spring break, hunting down great websites to share with the kids and writing detailed lesson plans for the coming week. It was great! I felt ready for Monday! But, I didn't spend one iota of time on my master’s class and felt guilty about it all week knowing that my mentor would be calling soon to check in. And I would have the same old song and dance to tell her "Gee, I just couldn't get to that assignment again! You know, work is so busy. Life happens. I'll get to it this week - I promise!" Wow. I might as well say the dog ate my computer.

Last weekend I didn't worry about school other than grading some tests. I decided instead to focus on that master’s class and get an assignment turned in. Amazingly, I was able to finish that assignment! It felt great! Then I just had to get over the guilt of not doing any lesson plans. But it felt so good not to do work at home that I reminded myself again that I shouldn't have to bring it home in the first place! After all, I'm not getting paid overtime.

So I put a plan together for this week to see how it goes. 1) I will go into work an hour early since I don't have to drop the kids at the bus stop this week (they have spring break). 2) I'll stay up to an hour after school (which I normally do anyway). 3) I WILL NOT bring work home with me at night so that I can enjoy the family, some relaxing tv time, and maybe do a little work on my masters class.

Yesterday I got there an hour early and was able to get some work done. But I decided not to stay late and instead broke my third rule and packed up my stuff to bring it home. My computer, some tests that needed correcting and various textbooks went on a field trip to my house where they sat untouched in the kitchen all evening.

Today I got to school just on time (thanks to snow packed roads), had a meeting after school and left promptly after that - sans the work! Man, was it hard to leave the computer and textbooks at school! I did bring a couple tests home to grade but haven't gotten to them yet. I can say that not having that computer bag mocking me from the kitchen tonight felt pretty good!

So, obviously, I'm still looking for balance. But I like the direction I'm going. New rule: keep the work at work. It will be hard for me to get used to this, but I think it is doable and may make me work harder to get things done when I'm at work, rather than just relying on bringing it home to finish up.

Thanks for the encouragement! I'll keep you posted on the quest! By the way, this is the view that greeted us this morning after an overnight snowfall. Hard to believe I have trouble finding balance in this beautiful place, huh? And these pics are from our bedroom deck!!

The age old motherly quest - finding balance

The house is quiet on this Saturday morning. Steve has gone to pick up the kids from a sleepover at the Boys and Girls club, and then take them to Seth's basketball game. But the silence will soon be broken. So, I'm going to take advantage of the few quiet moments I have left to reflect on the last couple months. Yes, it's been two months since I've posted! This is what I was afraid of...that as much as I want to keep up a current blog of what's going on with our family, ultimately the family life will make it impossible to keep up! Quite the conundrum.

I often look at other mothers I know and wonder how they do it. How do they raise a family, nurture a relationship with their spouse, have a career, and keep their sanity and identity in tact?! It seems to me that many mothers are able to make this balancing act work - but who knows what's really going on benea

th that unperturbed family surface. The quiet of my morning has allowed me to reflect on what's preventing me from having that balance. Let's see, a full time job teaching in which I have at least five different duties (teaching English, Spanish, elementary Spanish, ELL and coaching knowledge bowl), a masters degree in progress that seems to be stretching out indefinitely (I might be done with it by April of next year), a full speed ahead family complete with two active kids who have busy schedules of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, sleep overs, play dates, homework and sibling battles, a husband who is busy with his own career and often gets home late. (As I write, the family has just arrived home and the silence is broken. Hopefully this blog entry gets finished!!). (update - it is now two and a half hours later since I wrote that last line). Besides all of that, there are things that I would like to do for myself; reading, scrapbooking, exercising, writing, cross stitching and traveling just to name a few!!

After thoughtful reflection, I think I've recognized where the imbalances are. The facet of my life that seems to be getting the most attention right now is work. Granted, I'm there 9 hours a day, five days a week. But the work consumes me; I bring it home with me, I work on it in front of the tv in the evening, early in the morning before everyone is up, on the weekends (usually most of Sunday), and yet it never gets DONE! There is always more to do to make my teaching better, and if I don't feel good about my day at work and the teaching I've done, I feel pretty miserable. In solid last place is taking care of myself, and a close runner up right now is working on my masters. This is something else that makes me feel miserable, but I just can't find the time (or motivation) to do it. Squished firmly in the middle between these two ends is the attention I give my family and husband. So it seems that my priorities are all topsy-turvy.

In a perfect world, I should put myself as top priority with my family and husband right behind that (a happy mommy is a healthy mommy!). Next should be work and my masters in fairly equal measure. But how does this really WORK? Is it even possible to put less emphasis on my work and more on myself? Is anyone out there making this happen??? Or maybe I should ask, is any teacher

out there making this happen? Certainly I believe that some career paths require less outside attention - teaching is not one of those. Or is it just that I have such high standards for my work that it wouldn't matter what career I was in, I would always expect the most of my work to the detriment of everyone and everything else in my life?

Those who know me, know that I am a list maker; although I've tried very hard the last several years to move away from this habit as it usually stresses me out even more to see what is NOT getting crossed off the list. This tendency to categorize everything in order to understand and conquer it has given me the recent idea that maybe it would help if I mapped out a week to see just how I am spending my time. Then I could strategically plan how to use my time to my benefit once I see where the imbalances and inefficiencies are. Sick, huh? It's like having a computer plan my week for me without the realization that life cannot be boxed or predicted. I've done this in the past with monthly meal schedules thinking it would save me time and money. Funny how quickly the menu went out the window because I got home too late to cook, something last minute came up, or waffles just sounded better! This is my idea of efficiency - spending an inordinate amount of time reflecting and mapping out my life to the eventual realization that I could have spent that time taking a nap instead. So what to do?

I'm opposed to the idea of new year's resolutions because I have never been able to follow through with one longer than a few weeks. But I feel like maybe I need to resolve myself to something. Upon reading my friend's post, I found out that last week was the beginning of the Chinese New Year and "The Chinese New Year tradition is a great way to reconcile; forgetting all grudges and sincerely wishing peace and happiness for everyone." Apparently part of the tradition involves cleaning the house to sweep away bad luck. I like that idea! One of my favorite tv shows is "Clean House" with Niecy Nash. All I have to do is WATCH that show and I feel like my life has been transformed along with the family in the show! There is something cathartic and symbolic about cleaning and organizing your house to that degree. So how do I clean house for myself? How can I sweep away the cobwebs and bad thoughts in my head that keep me from enjoying the blessings that I've been bestowed with? Obviously I don't have the time (nor do I think it's necessary) to go on a cleaning spree of my house in a bid to have a cathartic experience. But maybe something symbolic of my desire to make a clean sweep would suffice? And maybe a resolution in conjunction with the Chinese New Year would be more lucky than jumping on the band wagon of the traditional new year resolution hype? If anyone out there has some wisdom on how a mother can find balance in her life, please share! This mother is tired of the balancing "act" and is looking for some balancing reality! By the way, the pictures are from Steve's annual training conference back in December that I said I would post a long time ago. It sure is fun to play dress up once a year!!

Christmas Wishes!

I thought this year it would be a good idea to put my annual Christmas letter online rather than in the Christmas cards I mail out. I always love to get the annual letters to catch up on what family and friends are doing, but I feel bad when I just throw it away after reading it! So, this my attempt to "go green" :)

2010 has been a great year for the Casper family! Let me give you the highlights -

This year, I changed jobs! I enjoyed two great years at the Family Center of Durango, but ultimately decided it was time to go back to teaching. Part of the drive behind my decision had to do with the fact that I started work on my master's degree a year ago in English Language Learning. I needed to get back in the classroom and work with ELL students to really get the full benefits of my learning. I managed to land a high school Spanish/ELL position in a tiny town just 30 minutes from us in Mancos, CO. There are probably only 100 students in the high school. Needless to say, I was really nervous about teaching HS students, but it has been a wonderful experience. I can honestly say that I laugh everyday working with those kids. Not only are they funny, but they can handle the work I give them without five different explanations to Sunday. I'm also teaching middle school Spanish, and after Christmas I'll be teaching Junior English and elementary Spanish as well as Spanish 2 for HS, and ELL for middle and high. Lots of hats to wear because it's a small school, but the staff and kids are great, so it makes it easy :)

Steve is now the station commander at the Durango recruiting station. He's been in that position for a little over a year. They've downsized the station so he only has one other guy that works with him, but they still exceed the numbers every month! This coming week we will go to his annual training conference when they also have the awards dinner. I'm sure he'll be receiving more awards this year :) I'll take pics and be sure to post next week. Another highlight for Steve this year is that he bought a 2010 Mustang GT in grabber blue. It is his baby! Unfortunately, it is in the garage for the next couple months due to the snow. He's also put a different engine in his 1984 Jeep, which is his project as well as his winter transport.

Anna is now in 7th grade and getting more beautiful every day. I posted her picture above just to prove it. She's 12 going on 16, but I enjoy her more everyday. I think Steve has a hard time understanding her most days, but I guess that is to be expected :) She still competes in gymnastics and went to state again last summer where she took first on beam and third all around for her age group! We are very proud of our amazing gymnast! While she was hoping to play volleyball this year, we didn't make it back in time from Oregon for her to try out. But with four days a week of gymnastics practice, I'm not sure how we'd fit another sport in. Now that she's 12 she's anxious to start babysitting - she loves little kids and babies. We have her signed up for a babysitting training in February that she can't wait for.

Seth is growing like a weed. The pants we bought this summer for school are now above his ankles. He gets around this by sporting the baggy pants look which Steve and I hate. I can't tell you how many times a day I tell him "pull up your pants!" This summer he played baseball and also took a skateboarding class. He really loved the skateboarding! It was great to see his skills improve so quickly over the short period of time he was in the class. He wanted to play football this fall, but we didn't get back in time from Oregon for him to join. I was okay with that considering the last time he played football he broke his arm. He is signed up for basketball which starts in January and I know he will really enjoy it. That was his favorite sport last year and for the first time ever he didn't complain about going to practice. He's moved up to Webelos 1 in cub scouts this year and seems to be enjoying it although he protested at first. I'm hoping he decides to continue into Boy Scouts, but we'll see. Other than that, he spends his time as the video game master!

That's it from the Caspers! Enjoy Christmas and the new year with your family. We hope that your family, like ours, enjoyed a wonderful 2010. Blessings to all in the coming year!

What a great Thanksgiving we had today! We started with watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Steve made pumpkin pies and got the turkey and stuffing ready. Yes, he does the cooking! Okay, I did make the gravy and potatoes. Anyway, after the parade we decided to take a walk down to the mailbox (about a mile and a half walk there and back). We thought we dressed warm enough, but mind you it was -4 when we woke up this morning. By noon it was a balmy 21 degrees! We were all frozen by the time we got home, but we got some great pics while we were out. See the "footprint"? The kids thought they had found a bear track - which would not be beyond reason in our area. Can YOU figure out what kind of track it is? :) Once we got back home and warmed up again it was time for family games - all afternoon! First we played Monopoly and for awhile it looked like the land baron Seth would win. But he got too greedy with his houses and hotels on Park and Boardwalk and they were his downfall. In the end, Slumlord Steve won the pot. After a GREAT dinner of turkey (of course) we settled down to another game of Sorry! This time I won, but the kids did their best to prevent that. Finally, pie and mind numbing TV before sending the kids to bed. All in all, while it was an uneventful day, it was the nicest day we've spent together as a family in a long time. There were more smiles, laughs and giggles even though Seth struggled with losing two games in a row (he's a sore loser just like me!). I hope your Thanksgiving was just as blessed and "uneventful" as ours!

Today was a fun-filled day of errands! One of those errands was getting Seth's hair cut. Lately he's been sticking with a do that is short over the ears and in the back, but long on top. Today, the hairstylist was feeling a little bored, so she made the long part on a top a purple spiked mohawk! Don't worry Grammy and Nana! It's just purple gel :) I'm not sure it's exactly what Seth expected. He looked a little scared when he left the chair. Within 15 minutes of being home the gel was gone, but there is now a pink tinge to his hair where it was. I'm sure Dad will be thrilled!! If you're wondering why the mohawk is purple, it's because he told the stylist that was his favorite color. In the car he told me his two favorite colors are purple and hot pink...should I be worried?? I think it's just that the new styles coming out are retro 80s with all the neon colors. I remember Anna going through a "black" stage when she was in fourth grade (same age Seth is now). She refused to wear pink and dressed like a boy. She had Tony Hawk skater shoes and could always be seen with her black Jack Skellington sweatshirt on. She scoffed at all the girls who wore pink. Hannah Montana was on the top of her hate list. Maybe age 9-10 is the beginning of the experimenting stage where kids realize that they can be someone different just by changing their clothes or hair. Anna has since left the "black" stage and adores pink again. I guess I just need to wait patiently for Seth to leave the "pink" stage and find black again :)

Yesterday Anna and I got to spend some "girl time" together at the salon. We had a great time! She asked me on the way to the salon if she could get a blonde stripe in her bangs - hmmm. I wasn't so sure about that at first. Mostly because my mom never let me color my hair, and as a parent, you tend to fall back on how you were raised. But, I've also learned to choose your battles, and hair color is not one I choose to fight. Besides, it was just one little stripe of color - not like she wanted to dye her whole head pink (which her dad would NOT have allowed anyway). I did warn my husband when we got home that the stylist let her in on a tip: If she puts a packet of kool-aid (whatever color she wants) on the blond streak in the shower, she will have instant color for a day or two. While I don't think Steve is thrilled about the idea of her sporting a purple stripe in her hair, I think it is harmless. Anna had fun taking lots of pics with the camera at the salon. We both have before and after pictures, although she didn't make my after picture very attractive! She, however, looks really cute (or cool I should say). Of course the first thing she had to do when she got home was upload her new cool do to her Facebook page. Who got her into Facebook?

Back after a LOOOOONG absence!

I have a couple friends who have inspired me to get back into blogging. There are links to both of their pages from my page. Thanks Rachel and James! Originally I started this blog to post pictures of the kids when we lived in TN for family and friends back in Oregon (original blog name was Oregon Girl in Tennessee). I saw this mostly as an online photo album for grandparents. Then around the time of my last blog post, I discovered Facebook and decided it was much easier to share photos through that medium. Hence, the long absence. I've been engaging in Facebookery ever since and lost touch with this blog! Now after checking in with my friends' blogs, I see the value in this page of mine as more than just a photo album. It really is a place to record thoughts and memories as well. That really appeals to the writer in me! While very few (or no one at all) will probably ever visit this site of mine, I guess I will have to be content with the idea that it is a place for me to revisit my own thoughts, memories and pictures. After all, I don't have anything nearly as exciting to share as my two friends do in their blogs! Every time I come back to this site I enjoy reading about what was happening with us in years past and looking at the pictures of the kids (how much they've grown!). It occurred to me that I've really been remiss in recording our current happenings and realized I have few current pictures of us together as a family. All the Facebookery and working on my masters is responsible for that, I think. So, I'm going to start today by posting the last pics I have of us as a family together - 4th of July 2010. I'm also going to work hard to take more pictures of us together - which I think means we need to start doing more things together as a family so I have something to take pics of! I've realized after reading through Rachel's post on bringing home their new baby Grace that I haven't been cherishing my own family enough - and the kids are growing so fast! I don't want to regret lost potential family time together when the kids are grown and gone. I know my new job and working on my masters degree is partially to blame for us not spending time together, but I am working to find the balance that allows me to still have time to nurture relationships. Perhaps this little blog will help propel my motivation to spend more time with the family - I'll have to have something to blog about! Wish me luck as I work to find that balance, but for now enjoy the pics of our 4th of July on a pontoon boat at Vallecito Lake.

First snow day

We awoke early this morning expecting to have to dig ourselves out and get ready for school and work. We have heard so many times how the schools around here "never" close for snow. Only five minutes after I was up, the phone rang announcing that school was closed! Once we got outside we understood why...over 12 inches of snow had piled up during the night!

Beautiful winter scene from our front deck.

The snow reminds me of powdered sugar on a gingerbread house!

See how nicely those steps are dug out? That was all me, baby! My chiropractor will not be pleased.

There goes Steve - on a mission to dig out a Jeep! Never a day off for a US Army Recruiter! With all those seniors out of school today, I'm sure they'll be stopping by to sign up for the Army.

Who cut off Anna's legs?

Mmmm...icicle - from the grill of the truck!

Speaking of the truck...

Me, showing off my Colorado fashion sense (notice coffee cup in hand). One can never supervise digging out a vehicle without a steaming cup of Starbucks!

Notice how Seth is suspiciously missing. He opted out of the fun and stayed in to watch cartoons. Imagine that.

And for the grand finale! Take a look at the fun time had by all when Steve tried (and tried, and tried) to get out of the driveway to go to work. After all the digging he did, I know his physical therapist won't be happy! About two hours after Steve got out, the snow plow arrived and plowed the driveway :)