The house is quiet on this Saturday morning. Steve has gone to pick up the kids from a sleepover at the Boys and Girls club, and then take them to Seth's basketball game. But the silence will soon be broken. So, I'm going to take advantage of the few quiet moments I have left to reflect on the last couple months. Yes, it's been two months since I've posted! This is what I was afraid of...that as much as I want to keep up a current blog of what's going on with our family, ultimately the family life will make it impossible to keep up! Quite the conundrum.
I often look at other mothers I know and wonder how they do it. How do they raise a family, nurture a relationship with their spouse, have a career, and keep their sanity and identity in tact?! It seems to me that many mothers are able to make this balancing act work - but who knows what's really going on benea
th that unperturbed family surface. The quiet of my morning has allowed me to reflect on what's preventing me from having that balance. Let's see, a full time job teaching in which I have at least five different duties (teaching English, Spanish, elementary Spanish, ELL and coaching knowledge bowl), a masters degree in progress that seems to be stretching out indefinitely (I might be done with it by April of next year), a full speed ahead family complete with two active kids who have busy schedules of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, sleep overs, play dates, homework and sibling battles, a husband who is busy with his own career and often gets home late. (As I write, the family has just arrived home and the silence is broken. Hopefully this blog entry gets finished!!). (update - it is now two and a half hours later since I wrote that last line). Besides all of that, there are things that I would like to do for myself; reading, scrapbooking, exercising, writing, cross stitching and traveling just to name a few!!
After thoughtful reflection, I think I've recognized where the imbalances are. The facet of my life that seems to be getting the most attention right now is work. Granted, I'm there 9 hours a day, five days a week. But the work consumes me; I bring it home with me, I work on it in front of the tv in the evening, early in the morning before everyone is up, on the weekends (usually most of Sunday), and yet it never gets DONE! There is always more to do to make my teaching better, and if I don't feel good about my day at work and the teaching I've done, I feel pretty miserable. In solid last place is taking care of myself, and a close runner up right now is working on my masters. This is something else that makes me feel miserable, but I just can't find the time (or motivation) to do it. Squished firmly in the middle between these two ends is the attention I give my family and husband. So it seems that my priorities are all topsy-turvy.
In a perfect world, I should put myself as top priority with my family and husband right behind that (a happy mommy is a healthy mommy!). Next should be work and my masters in fairly equal measure. But how does this really WORK? Is it even possible to put less emphasis on my work and more on myself? Is anyone out there making this happen??? Or maybe I should ask, is any teacher
out there making this happen? Certainly I believe that some career paths require less outside attention - teaching is not one of those. Or is it just that I have such high standards for my work that it wouldn't matter what career I was in, I would always expect the most of my work to the detriment of everyone and everything else in my life?
Those who know me, know that I am a list maker; although I've tried very hard the last several years to move away from this habit as it usually stresses me out even more to see what is NOT getting crossed off the list. This tendency to categorize everything in order to understand and conquer it has given me the recent idea that maybe it would help if I mapped out a week to see just how I am spending my time. Then I could strategically plan how to use my time to my benefit once I see where the imbalances and inefficiencies are. Sick, huh? It's like having a computer plan my week for me without the realization that life cannot be boxed or predicted. I've done this in the past with monthly meal schedules thinking it would save me time and money. Funny how quickly the menu went out the window because I got home too late to cook, something last minute came up, or waffles just sounded better! This is my idea of efficiency - spending an inordinate amount of time reflecting and mapping out my life to the eventual realization that I could have spent that time taking a nap instead. So what to do?
I'm opposed to the idea of new year's resolutions because I have never been able to follow through with one longer than a few weeks. But I feel like maybe I need to resolve myself to something. Upon reading my friend's post, I found out that last week was the beginning of the Chinese New Year and "The Chinese New Year tradition is a great way to reconcile; forgetting all grudges and sincerely wishing peace and happiness for everyone." Apparently part of the tradition involves cleaning the house to sweep away bad luck. I like that idea! One of my favorite tv shows is "Clean House" with Niecy Nash. All I have to do is WATCH that show and I feel like my life has been transformed along with the family in the show! There is something cathartic and symbolic about cleaning and organizing your house to that degree. So how do I clean house for myself? How can I sweep away the cobwebs and bad thoughts in my head that keep me from enjoying the blessings that I've been bestowed with? Obviously I don't have the time (nor do I think it's necessary) to go on a cleaning spree of my house in a bid to have a cathartic experience. But maybe something symbolic of my desire to make a clean sweep would suffice? And maybe a resolution in conjunction with the Chinese New Year would be more lucky than jumping on the band wagon of the traditional new year resolution hype? If anyone out there has some wisdom on how a mother can find balance in her life, please share! This mother is tired of the balancing "act" and is looking for some balancing reality! By the way, the pictures are from Steve's annual training conference back in December that I said I would post a long time ago. It sure is fun to play dress up once a year!!
8 comments:
Looking for balance, huh? If you find it, tell me where I can get some. :-) Our lives often reflect a juggling act. Life is hectic and messy. I fall into bed each night exhausted and feeling guilty about the load of laundry that I should have done or case I should have read or brief I should have finished. But what I have found is that it is the hard work that makes me appreciate those special moments. If it is too easy, I seem to take for grant the fact that I have a husband who loves me, a daughter who makes me laugh, and a wonderful life that I have worked very hard to obtain. And don't knock the lists - lists are great. I live by lists. If I can organize things just a little better, then maybe my life will run smoothly! (It doesn't but for just an instant, I feel more in control and in that second, life is perfect. Remember, it is those special moments that really count.) Good luck on your quest!
I hear ya! I experience the same dynamics that you describe here.
I think it's important to step outside of our individual situations a bit to understand ourselves within a broader historical and cultural context. Maybe doing so makes our individual situations seem impossible to overcome, or maybe understanding this context spurs us to become more active in addressing systemic issues; perhaps seeing the broader context helps us feel a bit less guilty and shameful about an inability to find balance, which, itself, can be empowering. Or, perhaps, all of the above.
The broader historical and social context I'm referring to, in general terms, is the fact that the capitalist system we've developed has helped erode traditional, familial, support systems; does not consider house-work and child rearing as worthy of remuneration; encourages us to equate money with time; and squeezes as much work out of us as possible with as little financial return as possible. On top of this, the more conservative elements of our political spectrum do their best to make physical and mental health something that only the more affluent and fortunate among can afford, rather than considering it a basic human right (in the vein of life, liberty, & pursuit of happiness).
All of the issues above are Big and Imposing, but they area also not given, not at all unchangeable, universal fundamentals of existence. The issues all stem from political, social, and cultural contexts that have evolved with time, and continue to evolve. As readily as I myself fall into this pattern, it's the opposite of productive to feel guilty about not feeling that one has enough time in life -- our current economic and cultural systems have developed in a way that contributes to us having these feelings. For all the positive benefit that our current American capitalist system might have, there are also down-sides.
maybe it would help if I mapped out a week to see just how I am spending my time.
I think this would be a good idea. This reminds me of the intention and self-awareness that is outlined in the book Your Money Or Your Life. I don't follow closely the precepts in that book, but it was good to read.
In an email you wrote: "I still haven't figured out what to do about that whole balance issue :)"
In the interest of providing another perspective to illustrate how fruitful it may be to consider your (our) individual circumstances within a broader cultural and historical context, keep in mind that at least one entire belief system has as a key goal the achievement of balance, and this belief system came up with a very effective symbol to represent this quest.
"You are not alone."
Thanks for the prompting, and the links! It sounds goofy, but I recently read "Eat, Pray, Love" and my interest is piqued in Eastern religions. I will definitely look into this!
I recently read "Eat, Pray, Love"
Haven't read it, but have heard a lot about it, and it seems to me that for one to implement the author's advice from this book one would have to be independently quite wealthy, be divorced, and have no kids.
I disagree one hundred percent! While you would have to be wealthy and have no kids to take the trip she did, that's not my goal! I just love how she incorporates eastern religion into her life. It seems very healing.
Aha. See, that's what I get for listening to the commentariat and not reading the book myself . . .
Don't worry about reading the book. You probably wouldn't like it (get it). It's a woman thing :)
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