Glass DEFINITELY half empty

For those who know me, I've always been a pessimist; a glass half-empty kinda gal. Trust me, it's not easy to live that way. As much as I would love to see the glass half full, right now it just seems to be emptying faster. I've tried to be patient with this whole process of moving. Honestly, I don't care that I'm moving. It's all the double backs, denials and rejections that we've had to put up with as part of it. We heard early last March that we would most likely be moving. Then we got preliminary orders. Then we drove to Kansas and found a house. Then our orders were rescinded. No more house. Okay, fine. I fill out an application for teaching jobs in Wichita - TWICE. No response. New orders issued in September...too bad we couldn't have gotten that house we put an offer on before. But that's ok, we can live on post in Wichita! Oh wait, Steve's new first sgt says Wichita is too far away from his new station. So, nix that idea. Now back to square one and trying to find a house. Phone calls for rentals - "Oh, you want to rent? Great! But you have to start renting on Nov 1." Huh? We won't even be there until Dec. 2. That's not my problem...

Rental pool in our new area is dismal. Property owners demand to know by the NEXT DAY if we want to rent the place or not. Do I want to rent a house with one bathroom when I have a teenager? How about a duplex that I can share a middle wall with another family? Forget it! Okay, well then you're back at square one. Look at houses to buy, BUT you can only make offers on the ones that are unoccupied, the VA will approve for a loan, and the current owners will allow an early possession since we'll be there in three weeks. OH, and it has to fit the budget! Do you choose the new home that's cheaper but needs $10,000 worth of basement finishing and yard fencing? That will be perfect when I don't have a job and we're living on one income! Or how about the older home that needs a new electrical box and just hit the market so the owners haven't felt the pain of holding on to a house for a year or more in a sour market. Did I mention we'll probably only be there for two years? Don't forget to pick the one that's got the better rental appeal because that's what we'll most likely have to do with it when we leave in two years, especially if the housing market is still broke.

What does it all add up to? A very tired, very frustrated, pessimist who is afraid that our most current offer on a house will be rejected and we'll be back at square one...three weeks from arrival in our new location. Maybe it's time for the sunny outlook approach. BOY, being renters in a duplex sure sounds like a good time! Go ahead and call me a pessimist, a perfectionist, and tell me beggers can't be choosy, but I'm tired of being yanked around by the Army, the housing market and the job market. It's time for the glass to start filling up.

Well, it's official!! After months of waffling back and forth about whether Steve would take over as station commander of a recruiting station in Hutchinson, KS, the Army has finally sent us orders to confirm this. In the process, we put an offer an a house in KS and had to get out of the contract because it seemed we wouldn't be moving after all. We also told our friends and the kids' schools we would be moving this summer. Now that we are still here, everyone keeps asking "I thought you were moving?" To be honest, I was to the point where I believed we might be in Durango indefinitely. But a few days ago, Steve received a report date of Dec. 10 at the Hutchinson, KS station.

So why is my picture of McConnell Air Force Base? Originally we wanted to buy a house in Kansas, but now we're uncertain how long Steve will be at this duty station. It may only be two years. If that's the case, it doesn't make sense to take on a mortgage. Soooo, we will be living on the Air Force base! It is located in Wichita, about a 45 minute commute to the town where Steve will be working. This will be the first time that we have lived on base and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. For one, it is an Air Force base, not an Army base. The different services view each other very differently, so the reception we will get as an Army family is uncertain. On the other hand, I think it will be great for the kids to go to schools where there are lots of other kids whose parents are in the military. Being in a big city will be nice for a change, and should make it easier for me to find a teaching job. And shopping on post will be convenient and cheap! I suppose my biggest concern is that, as an Army family, we won't "fit in" with the other families. Also, I'm not used to being surrounded by military people, activities, etc. I've always considered myself different than the typical Army wife because I have a career. Many Army wives have always stayed home and spend their days lunching with the other wives, coordinating Family Readiness Group meetings, or volunteering their time in other military activities. That has never been my thing, and I hope it doesn't prevent me from finding a niche for myself on base. Of course, not all military wives dedicate their lives to the service. I just need to find the "normal" ones who have jobs like me :)

The kids and I will finish out school here in Durango until Christmas break and then move to KS to be with Steve. Wish us luck for a smooth transition, and keep your fingers crossed that I can find a teaching job that starts in January!

The difficulties of being a writer mom

In an attempt to compose my next post for the TESOL blog that I'm guesting on right now, my daughter thought it fun to read over my shoulder and offer commentary. Finally, she booted me off the computer to type her thoughts (in the form of my own words). I found this just funny enough to share here:

"In my last post, I brought up the question of ELL funding. Senator Bennet’s comments not only spurred my thinking for that post, but it has brought another question to mind as well. That is the question of the makeup of our ELL population and how best to serve them. Over the last several years of teaching ELL students, I’ve often struggled with the definition of what makes an English language learner. Obviously we can qualify those first generation students who have just arrived to our country as ELLs. However, what about those students who are second or even third generation language learners? My daughter thinks that this is a complete waste of time. She thinks I have no life, which I probably don’t. Maybe I should just listen to her and learn the language of kids her age. Then I won’t act and look as old. I might actually have a shot at a life and have more than 100 friends on facebook. Overall, this is a really pointless and boring essay. Only losers with no life would ever read something like this. I speak the truth."

The italics is, of course, her words. It's hard enough actually writing without a 13 year old butting in. Now that I've finally gotten her to go to bed I've lost my momentum on ELL issues. Guess I'll have to try finishing that post tomorrow...before she gets up.

Toddlers to Tweens

I look at that picture of us at the top of my blog and marvel at how much the kids have grown...especially Anna! She is now nearly as tall as me. That was taken in 2008 right after we arrived in Colorado. How quickly kiddos grow up. Recently, I learned that what was good in toddlerhood, is apparently good as a teenager too.

The other day Anna had a friend stay over. They did the usual sequestering in the bedroom while talking and playing on Facebook. Soon, they were out of the bedroom dressed up in Anna's new clothes we just bought. They rummaged around in my closet and came out with my high heel shoes on! I later discovered they had also been into my jewelry. After that, they disappeared outside. The difference between toddler dress up and tween dress up? As toddlers we parents take pictures of how cute they look all dressed up. As tweens, they take pictures of themselves and post them on Facebook! For some reason, taking their pictures with all the vehicles we own (including the four wheeler) was fun. I guess they not only feel older dressing up, but they can pretend that they are old enough to drive (which is only a few years away).

I recently told someone this story and the person was aghast that I would let my daughter post such pics on FB. She insinuated that maybe the girls were trying to look older on FB for a reason. I'm really not worried about this. I am one of my daughter's friends on FB and often peruse her page to see what's up. I've never seen anything inappropriate posted there. While I'm sure my husband would prefer that Anna not dress like a "hoochie mama" as he calls it (shirts off the shoulder), I find all of this somewhat insightful. To me, it shows how a 13 year old is really like a three year old - they both are becoming more independent and are experimenting with how to be grown up. Playing dress up is one way to achieve this, no matter the age.

Welcome to Kansas!...or not

Awhile back I wrote about how we might be moving to Kansas this summer. Well, it looks like plans have changed (surprise, surprise!). You just never know what the Army will do, and that’s why I try not to get too attached when they tell us we’re moving. As it turns out, the Army is out of money to move anyone until October. It is being suggested that we will now move in January, which is of course the perfect time to move in the Rockies! Why January? It’s because that is Steve’s four year anniversary in Durango and recruiters aren’t allowed to stay in a brigade longer than four years. It should be very entertaining to see how the movers load all the stuff from our house into their truck with six feet of snow on the ground and no way to get down our driveway. While this move does seem a little more certain, I’m still not making any bets. Where we will move to is a whole other story. It won’t be Kansas, because that’s the same brigade we are in now. We’ve been offered Raleigh, Nashville, Great Falls, and possibly Seattle. The Carolina coast would be a nice move, so we’re leaning towards that, but one never knows…

I always think it’s funny to talk to people about our situation. First, when I told them we might move to Kansas, the unanimous reply was “Oh…how do you feel about that?” Now when I tell them we won’t be moving until January and we’re not sure where, the unanimous reply is “Oh…how do you feel about that?” So, my stock answer has become “It is what it is!” As an Army wife, you learn to roll with the punches and become like Switzerland…neutral! It doesn’t do any good to assign positive or negative value to new places, experiences or people until you’ve had the opportunity to really get to know them. I try to keep an open mind about anything the Army sends our way. That doesn’t mean that after a sufficient amount of time I don’t form my own opinions (sometimes negative) about these new experiences. There may be a barcode implanted in my neck by the government, but I am still human.

And yes, the kids are fine with it too! That is always the second question I get asked. They are happy to spend another six months with their friends, but a new house within driving distance of a beach doesn’t sound too bad either. They may be brainwashed little Army brats, but they are still kids.

Giving up the splendor of the prairies for the beach?

My Mother's Day Conundrum

What a great family I have! Anna made this bee flower vase for me and then cut some fresh spring flowers from our yard to fill it! She also made me the brownie cake below and added the "Happy Day" message with frosting. I got to blow out the candles and everything :) Seth made a card for me and included a pack of coupons for things like "good for one big hug", "good for one night of setting the table", and "good for one kiss" which he changed to 1,000,000,000 kisses :) Steve even went into town and bought me a top of the line blender which I've been wanting for some time now. Here we come smoothies, margaritas and daiquiris!

So what could the conundrum possibly be? I had visions of laying in bed all day, reading and napping on and off. The perfect day for a worn out mom! The problem was, as soon as Anna got out of bed she wanted to know what we were going to do for Mother's Day. Her suggestions ranged from going into town for ice cream and walking around the shops, to playing a game together. Oh boy. Neither of those things sounded like fun to me. In fact, I considered asking Steve to take the kids to the movie so that I could have the house to myself, but I thought that would be selfish. Instead, I laid in bed, read and napped for a couple hours, but felt obligated to get up and interact with the family after that. As I mentioned in a friend's blog this week, sleep is my guilty pleasure. I felt even more guilty napping today because it seemed like there was this expectation that we should go DO something for Mother's Day. Actually, I should be clear. that was Anna's expectation. Seth was perfectly happy to let me sleep so he could play video games, and Steve was happy with whatever I wanted to do.

So, I guess my question is, does it make me a bad mom to not want to spend time with my family on Mother's Day? I love my family dearly, but today I would have loved nothing more than to have a quiet house to myself with plenty of time for napping and reading without guilt. It is supposed to be MY day after all, but my daughter has a real knack for making me feel guilty that I'm not spending time with her. In the end, I tried to placate her by encouraging her to make brownies (because she loves to bake and it keeps her busy), and making her a smoothie with my new blender. However, I guiltily turned down her offers to play a game on the Wii together. It's just not my thing!

In the end, I feel like it was a good day. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty for wanting to be by myself rather than with my family. After all, everyone needs time to recharge. Whether you're a working mom, dad or devoted partner in a relationship, eventually we all need that time to be alone, decompress and find ourselves again. Hopefully one day my daughter will understand this. Don't get me wrong - she was very supportive of letting me do what I wanted, but I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn't going to go do something special with her. I love the fact that she wants to spend time with me; I just need to find that time for myself too.

Time for a change

You may have noticed that this blog page has changed a tiny bit. The banner below the title used to read "News and pictures from Steve, Heidi, Anna and Seth". What I realized is that no one checks this blog to find out that news. In fact, most people who want to know what's going on with us either email, call, or check Facebook. What I decided that I really need here is a place to share my thoughts; with myself or whoever else might be interested. Specifically, I want to focus on the challenges of not only being a wife and mom, but an Army wife and working mom. I decided to leave the title the same because for me it captures the idea that I am a person with an identity tied to my past, whose identity is now constantly challenged and has shifted in some sense with the various moves and places we have lived thanks to this Army life.

That being said, it sounds like I may soon be changing the title to "Oregon Girl in Kansas". Yep, it looks like we're moving again. Not that it should be any surprise; we've been here in Colorado for three whole years after all. Steve has now been invited to take over a larger recruiting station in Hutchinson, KS, the government wheels are in motion, and it appears that the OK will soon go through. How do I feel about this? Mostly excited but with some regret and nervousness. The regret is because I have found it takes about three years to really get settled in a place and start to feel like it is home. That is what is happening right now for me in Durango. I never really liked this place, but with my new teaching job, it has started to grow on me. I've made more friends, built more connections, and the roots have started to descend. Just in time to rip them out and replant! The nervousness has everything to do with my kids. I, myself, am not nervous to move. I love the idea of visiting new places, seeing new things, meeting new people, and having new adventures. My kids, however, are not as keen as me; understandably so. I had a hard enough time in school making friends and I was in the same place for most of my life. Fortunately, my kids make friends easily and seem to adjust quickly. But this still doesn't prevent a mom from being sad and nervous for her kids at the thought of leaving what is (sort of) familiar to them and having to start over.

Because of the news that we're probably moving in July, I've been going through the familiar dance of living in two places - one in my mind and one in the physical. I imagine what it will be like in our new place; the job, the schools, the house, the friends. At the same time, I walk around a bit like a zombie in my current place, trapped between here and there. I think this must be my defense mechanism; slowly detach myself from the current place by imagining the great stuff to come. Steve and I have already been looking at houses on line and there are a lot of affordable places in Kansas, unlike here in CO. We may even go out to KS one weekend soon to look at houses. This is just one more reason for me to daydream about what is to come. Hopefully, I don't get too caught up in these dreams!

To keep myself grounded, I'm posting pictures of a recent hike Steve and I took on the Colorado Trail. It was a pleasant Sunday when the kids were both at friends' houses and we had the whole morning to ourselves. The beauty in Colorado is unmatched, and I know I will miss it. I just hope that I'm able to find the joys of nature in the plains of Kansas.

Update to the quest

First, some pictures illustrating the reason for my quest...

So, I was encouraged to reply to the comments on my “Finding balance – the age old motherly quest” post, but have been reluctant because I don't feel like I've come any further in my understanding than the first time I posted. Of course it's great to hear that I'm not the only one going through this challenge - mother or not! On a conscious level I don't really believe that I'm the only parent out there trying to balance life, family, work, etc. But on a subconscious level it is somewhat reassuring to wallow in my own misery and pretend to be a martyr :)

After reading the two comments to this post, I did two things. I cleaned house and I made a list. While cleaning house made me feel better, it didn't really improve the situation. The list has been sitting on the counter since I made it a month ago and nothing is crossed off. In fact, I'm afraid to look at it because of the guilt I know I'll feel that nothing has been done. I thought more than once about mapping out my week, and almost tried to start one day. But I never got as far as pencil meeting paper and decided that it wasn't something I thought would be valuable, otherwise I would have already done it.

The idea of finding balance has been on my mind a lot, though. Every Friday I try to convince myself that this will be the weekend that I accomplish a super human amount of work: I'll catch up with my masters, clean the house, spend time with family, exercise and complete lesson plans for the whole week before Monday! Surprise, surprise, it never happens.

As I mentioned in the original post, I have realized that my teaching job takes up the majority of my time. Two weekends ago I spent the ENTIRE weekend mapping out what I plan to teach in my classes until spring break, hunting down great websites to share with the kids and writing detailed lesson plans for the coming week. It was great! I felt ready for Monday! But, I didn't spend one iota of time on my master’s class and felt guilty about it all week knowing that my mentor would be calling soon to check in. And I would have the same old song and dance to tell her "Gee, I just couldn't get to that assignment again! You know, work is so busy. Life happens. I'll get to it this week - I promise!" Wow. I might as well say the dog ate my computer.

Last weekend I didn't worry about school other than grading some tests. I decided instead to focus on that master’s class and get an assignment turned in. Amazingly, I was able to finish that assignment! It felt great! Then I just had to get over the guilt of not doing any lesson plans. But it felt so good not to do work at home that I reminded myself again that I shouldn't have to bring it home in the first place! After all, I'm not getting paid overtime.

So I put a plan together for this week to see how it goes. 1) I will go into work an hour early since I don't have to drop the kids at the bus stop this week (they have spring break). 2) I'll stay up to an hour after school (which I normally do anyway). 3) I WILL NOT bring work home with me at night so that I can enjoy the family, some relaxing tv time, and maybe do a little work on my masters class.

Yesterday I got there an hour early and was able to get some work done. But I decided not to stay late and instead broke my third rule and packed up my stuff to bring it home. My computer, some tests that needed correcting and various textbooks went on a field trip to my house where they sat untouched in the kitchen all evening.

Today I got to school just on time (thanks to snow packed roads), had a meeting after school and left promptly after that - sans the work! Man, was it hard to leave the computer and textbooks at school! I did bring a couple tests home to grade but haven't gotten to them yet. I can say that not having that computer bag mocking me from the kitchen tonight felt pretty good!

So, obviously, I'm still looking for balance. But I like the direction I'm going. New rule: keep the work at work. It will be hard for me to get used to this, but I think it is doable and may make me work harder to get things done when I'm at work, rather than just relying on bringing it home to finish up.

Thanks for the encouragement! I'll keep you posted on the quest! By the way, this is the view that greeted us this morning after an overnight snowfall. Hard to believe I have trouble finding balance in this beautiful place, huh? And these pics are from our bedroom deck!!

The age old motherly quest - finding balance

The house is quiet on this Saturday morning. Steve has gone to pick up the kids from a sleepover at the Boys and Girls club, and then take them to Seth's basketball game. But the silence will soon be broken. So, I'm going to take advantage of the few quiet moments I have left to reflect on the last couple months. Yes, it's been two months since I've posted! This is what I was afraid of...that as much as I want to keep up a current blog of what's going on with our family, ultimately the family life will make it impossible to keep up! Quite the conundrum.

I often look at other mothers I know and wonder how they do it. How do they raise a family, nurture a relationship with their spouse, have a career, and keep their sanity and identity in tact?! It seems to me that many mothers are able to make this balancing act work - but who knows what's really going on benea

th that unperturbed family surface. The quiet of my morning has allowed me to reflect on what's preventing me from having that balance. Let's see, a full time job teaching in which I have at least five different duties (teaching English, Spanish, elementary Spanish, ELL and coaching knowledge bowl), a masters degree in progress that seems to be stretching out indefinitely (I might be done with it by April of next year), a full speed ahead family complete with two active kids who have busy schedules of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, sleep overs, play dates, homework and sibling battles, a husband who is busy with his own career and often gets home late. (As I write, the family has just arrived home and the silence is broken. Hopefully this blog entry gets finished!!). (update - it is now two and a half hours later since I wrote that last line). Besides all of that, there are things that I would like to do for myself; reading, scrapbooking, exercising, writing, cross stitching and traveling just to name a few!!

After thoughtful reflection, I think I've recognized where the imbalances are. The facet of my life that seems to be getting the most attention right now is work. Granted, I'm there 9 hours a day, five days a week. But the work consumes me; I bring it home with me, I work on it in front of the tv in the evening, early in the morning before everyone is up, on the weekends (usually most of Sunday), and yet it never gets DONE! There is always more to do to make my teaching better, and if I don't feel good about my day at work and the teaching I've done, I feel pretty miserable. In solid last place is taking care of myself, and a close runner up right now is working on my masters. This is something else that makes me feel miserable, but I just can't find the time (or motivation) to do it. Squished firmly in the middle between these two ends is the attention I give my family and husband. So it seems that my priorities are all topsy-turvy.

In a perfect world, I should put myself as top priority with my family and husband right behind that (a happy mommy is a healthy mommy!). Next should be work and my masters in fairly equal measure. But how does this really WORK? Is it even possible to put less emphasis on my work and more on myself? Is anyone out there making this happen??? Or maybe I should ask, is any teacher

out there making this happen? Certainly I believe that some career paths require less outside attention - teaching is not one of those. Or is it just that I have such high standards for my work that it wouldn't matter what career I was in, I would always expect the most of my work to the detriment of everyone and everything else in my life?

Those who know me, know that I am a list maker; although I've tried very hard the last several years to move away from this habit as it usually stresses me out even more to see what is NOT getting crossed off the list. This tendency to categorize everything in order to understand and conquer it has given me the recent idea that maybe it would help if I mapped out a week to see just how I am spending my time. Then I could strategically plan how to use my time to my benefit once I see where the imbalances and inefficiencies are. Sick, huh? It's like having a computer plan my week for me without the realization that life cannot be boxed or predicted. I've done this in the past with monthly meal schedules thinking it would save me time and money. Funny how quickly the menu went out the window because I got home too late to cook, something last minute came up, or waffles just sounded better! This is my idea of efficiency - spending an inordinate amount of time reflecting and mapping out my life to the eventual realization that I could have spent that time taking a nap instead. So what to do?

I'm opposed to the idea of new year's resolutions because I have never been able to follow through with one longer than a few weeks. But I feel like maybe I need to resolve myself to something. Upon reading my friend's post, I found out that last week was the beginning of the Chinese New Year and "The Chinese New Year tradition is a great way to reconcile; forgetting all grudges and sincerely wishing peace and happiness for everyone." Apparently part of the tradition involves cleaning the house to sweep away bad luck. I like that idea! One of my favorite tv shows is "Clean House" with Niecy Nash. All I have to do is WATCH that show and I feel like my life has been transformed along with the family in the show! There is something cathartic and symbolic about cleaning and organizing your house to that degree. So how do I clean house for myself? How can I sweep away the cobwebs and bad thoughts in my head that keep me from enjoying the blessings that I've been bestowed with? Obviously I don't have the time (nor do I think it's necessary) to go on a cleaning spree of my house in a bid to have a cathartic experience. But maybe something symbolic of my desire to make a clean sweep would suffice? And maybe a resolution in conjunction with the Chinese New Year would be more lucky than jumping on the band wagon of the traditional new year resolution hype? If anyone out there has some wisdom on how a mother can find balance in her life, please share! This mother is tired of the balancing "act" and is looking for some balancing reality! By the way, the pictures are from Steve's annual training conference back in December that I said I would post a long time ago. It sure is fun to play dress up once a year!!