My Mother's Day Conundrum

What a great family I have! Anna made this bee flower vase for me and then cut some fresh spring flowers from our yard to fill it! She also made me the brownie cake below and added the "Happy Day" message with frosting. I got to blow out the candles and everything :) Seth made a card for me and included a pack of coupons for things like "good for one big hug", "good for one night of setting the table", and "good for one kiss" which he changed to 1,000,000,000 kisses :) Steve even went into town and bought me a top of the line blender which I've been wanting for some time now. Here we come smoothies, margaritas and daiquiris!

So what could the conundrum possibly be? I had visions of laying in bed all day, reading and napping on and off. The perfect day for a worn out mom! The problem was, as soon as Anna got out of bed she wanted to know what we were going to do for Mother's Day. Her suggestions ranged from going into town for ice cream and walking around the shops, to playing a game together. Oh boy. Neither of those things sounded like fun to me. In fact, I considered asking Steve to take the kids to the movie so that I could have the house to myself, but I thought that would be selfish. Instead, I laid in bed, read and napped for a couple hours, but felt obligated to get up and interact with the family after that. As I mentioned in a friend's blog this week, sleep is my guilty pleasure. I felt even more guilty napping today because it seemed like there was this expectation that we should go DO something for Mother's Day. Actually, I should be clear. that was Anna's expectation. Seth was perfectly happy to let me sleep so he could play video games, and Steve was happy with whatever I wanted to do.

So, I guess my question is, does it make me a bad mom to not want to spend time with my family on Mother's Day? I love my family dearly, but today I would have loved nothing more than to have a quiet house to myself with plenty of time for napping and reading without guilt. It is supposed to be MY day after all, but my daughter has a real knack for making me feel guilty that I'm not spending time with her. In the end, I tried to placate her by encouraging her to make brownies (because she loves to bake and it keeps her busy), and making her a smoothie with my new blender. However, I guiltily turned down her offers to play a game on the Wii together. It's just not my thing!

In the end, I feel like it was a good day. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty for wanting to be by myself rather than with my family. After all, everyone needs time to recharge. Whether you're a working mom, dad or devoted partner in a relationship, eventually we all need that time to be alone, decompress and find ourselves again. Hopefully one day my daughter will understand this. Don't get me wrong - she was very supportive of letting me do what I wanted, but I could tell she was disappointed that I wasn't going to go do something special with her. I love the fact that she wants to spend time with me; I just need to find that time for myself too.

Time for a change

You may have noticed that this blog page has changed a tiny bit. The banner below the title used to read "News and pictures from Steve, Heidi, Anna and Seth". What I realized is that no one checks this blog to find out that news. In fact, most people who want to know what's going on with us either email, call, or check Facebook. What I decided that I really need here is a place to share my thoughts; with myself or whoever else might be interested. Specifically, I want to focus on the challenges of not only being a wife and mom, but an Army wife and working mom. I decided to leave the title the same because for me it captures the idea that I am a person with an identity tied to my past, whose identity is now constantly challenged and has shifted in some sense with the various moves and places we have lived thanks to this Army life.

That being said, it sounds like I may soon be changing the title to "Oregon Girl in Kansas". Yep, it looks like we're moving again. Not that it should be any surprise; we've been here in Colorado for three whole years after all. Steve has now been invited to take over a larger recruiting station in Hutchinson, KS, the government wheels are in motion, and it appears that the OK will soon go through. How do I feel about this? Mostly excited but with some regret and nervousness. The regret is because I have found it takes about three years to really get settled in a place and start to feel like it is home. That is what is happening right now for me in Durango. I never really liked this place, but with my new teaching job, it has started to grow on me. I've made more friends, built more connections, and the roots have started to descend. Just in time to rip them out and replant! The nervousness has everything to do with my kids. I, myself, am not nervous to move. I love the idea of visiting new places, seeing new things, meeting new people, and having new adventures. My kids, however, are not as keen as me; understandably so. I had a hard enough time in school making friends and I was in the same place for most of my life. Fortunately, my kids make friends easily and seem to adjust quickly. But this still doesn't prevent a mom from being sad and nervous for her kids at the thought of leaving what is (sort of) familiar to them and having to start over.

Because of the news that we're probably moving in July, I've been going through the familiar dance of living in two places - one in my mind and one in the physical. I imagine what it will be like in our new place; the job, the schools, the house, the friends. At the same time, I walk around a bit like a zombie in my current place, trapped between here and there. I think this must be my defense mechanism; slowly detach myself from the current place by imagining the great stuff to come. Steve and I have already been looking at houses on line and there are a lot of affordable places in Kansas, unlike here in CO. We may even go out to KS one weekend soon to look at houses. This is just one more reason for me to daydream about what is to come. Hopefully, I don't get too caught up in these dreams!

To keep myself grounded, I'm posting pictures of a recent hike Steve and I took on the Colorado Trail. It was a pleasant Sunday when the kids were both at friends' houses and we had the whole morning to ourselves. The beauty in Colorado is unmatched, and I know I will miss it. I just hope that I'm able to find the joys of nature in the plains of Kansas.